The following is a transcript of Lesson 8 in the University of Naughty's lecture series, "Respect of the collar by Dom/mes and submissives and others that frequent BDSM chat rooms," as it was given on 6/14/2009. It has been edited for length, clarity, and relevance.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Greetings and welcome to the The Edge and O/our class/lecture and discussion to follow for this evening. During this portion, and unlike normal, please keep ALL your greetings, comments and conversations in PM unless they are class related. Hope Y/you will stay and enjoy. *hands out buckets of erasers to the M/mods to handle the unruly among U/us* *winks, as Y/you know who Y/you are*

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
“Respect of the collar by Dom/mes and submissives and others that frequent BDSM chat rooms” was the overwhelming choice for tonight’s *lecture* and discussion that will follow. There will be a short break between, with the open discussion following at approximate 10pm Eastern time, this is a time when you can ask many questions and voice your own opinions.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
First a bit about what the BDSM collar is and isn’t.

Collars, well nowadays... oh my, that makes me sound old. Okay I am old, but, I also come with experiences, some experiences I wish I hadn't had, but the point is I have been around both RT and VT BDSM worlds, I exist in both worlds. Which does not mean I know everything just some things and some of the things I know are just my opinions, my guides for my life. My words are not to be construed as me dictating how anyone else should live their life. I do have some strategies I try to live by, but that is all that these are, my strategies, based on my experiences, in my life. I hope some can be forewarnings for you, so that you will be able to avoid some of the pitfalls I have stumbled into along the way to here. I am still stumbling sometimes; falling and getting back up to try to get it right, right for me at least. I am learning everyday and I hope I never feel I have learned enough. This lesson is based on my opinions and not necessarily those of my fellow M/mods here in The Edge.

Okay that was my disclaimer for everything to follow.*l*

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Now, back to the collars and the respect for them; first, lets look at VT collars. They are verging on being a joke.

Consideration collars,

protection collars,

Velcro collars,

jeezus!

As far as consideration collars, come on! If you don't know that you want to spend time with one, taking the time to get to know them, letting them get to know you, then please, don't waste the leather. If talking to them about everything under the sun isn't interesting them enough to keep them around then some name on them just isn't going to either.

Protection collar? What is the point? To protect? From who? More to the point, how? How is a capped name going to protect anyone from anything online?

We are all presumably adults and know where the Squelch is if someone is annoying us. We know how to close a window with that little X up there at the top of the screen. Those things, those technical things, are all the protection we are likely to need. If you have trouble on a site with a relentless stalker, then who you want help from, is a site mod or administrator. One that can grab an IP, trace it, involve the authorities if need be or simply ban the offender, because truly, some capped name coming to the rescue to throw insults across a chat room is worthless, as well as annoying to watch and disruptive to an entire room.

Velcro collars, well we all know what those are, those are generally for one or two reasons, one, sexually aroused and feeling is the real deal, mistaking craving someone sexually for a genuine connection and/or two, loneliness, and at the time that need to be connected is overwhelming. Neither being cyber-sex starved or loneliness is a good reason for a collar. This is why they generally only last till the newness wears off or the need is fulfilled and one or both are seeing clearly again and realize that this person is not who they thought they were.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Then there are the scary collars. This collaring can be most dangerous. Both emotionally as well as physically IF the two decide to meet RT and even if they don't sometimes. Sometimes this collaring is very deceptive and in end can be devastating.

If the Dominant is actually not one but is someone that is just here to fill some void in His/Her RT world or someone who is here simply because they lack control in their RT lives and think they have found a gold mine of potential partners that listen or even worse, a person who seeks to control for the sake of hurting someone physically to get their rocks off. This person calling themselves a Dominant can cause real harm to their victims.

Then there is the one saying they are a submissive, who hopefully isn't just some insecure needy individual calling themselves submissive to hide the truth. The truth that they are just a mentally unstable person who craves attention, in the form of humiliation and physical pain, but not because it makes them feel whole and healthy or even sexually aroused, but because they don't think they deserve any better, they think they are unloveable, unwanted, unattractive in any and perhaps all ways, they are the doormat. They feel they have nothing to offer, yet they are seeking to be special to someone and very often, the only ones they will attract are those Dominants described above, not a genuine Dominant.

These descriptions are not of Dominants and submissives; these are mentally unstable people who need to seek counseling not a chat room.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
So that leaves us with the real deal, the collar that has been earned, the collar that has come from hours of talking and getting to know some one well enough to know you want them to be yours. You want to be theirs and devote yourself to their happiness, devote yourself to caring for another person. Y/you trust that Y/your needs are known and cared about. Y/you trust that Y/you mean the world to another human. That they now want you to show the world, or our little corner of it, that you matter, that they matter. Getting to know someone well enough to reach this point takes time and effort and desire to put work into the relationship. The outcome is worth it.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
When I first came to BDSM online it was a shock for my senses. I had to learn the ways of this new world and thought it stupid at first to be honest. I came to appreciate it and even learn here. I learned things that I hadn't yet learned at my local club or in my previous D/s experiences. There were people here that were real too, with knowledge to share, skills to teach, ideas to try out in type.

We explored and tried things out that we hadn't yet tried in RT. There were others too, who were genuinely interested in learning about BDSM. They wanted to find out why they had the feelings they did when they saw a collar, or were called Sir, and were asked if they could be waited on, even if it was only an ice tea in type. It affected them in a wonderfully erotic way and they wanted to find out why, they wanted to learn.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
It was different then, and yes I do think better, sometimes. We capped names and used lower case to denote the differences. We couldn't see each other as we would have in face to face encounters. Not that in RT every sub would call every Dominant by Sir or Ma'am, but in VT it made sense, to create the atmosphere. Though it wasn't required, it just made sense that when a capped name came to visit we called them Sir or Ma'am, not because we knew them to be a Dominant, but for the ambiance of our room. These were our BDSM rooms and our roles were ones we wanted to stand out. Even then there were the in-genuine, the players and they were usually spotted, sorted out and sometimes tossed out for being dis-RESPECTful. There were also those that would say they didn't know what they were, they were searching for the identity that would suit them in this world. All they knew was, they were curious, excited and wanted to learn more.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
There were ongoing conversations about BDSM or aspects of it on a daily basis. There were scenes too, public scenes that were not only entertaining and titillating but educational too. If you wanted to do a scene that involved an enema, fire play, blade play or even flogging, and you didn't have the knowledge, you asked those that did know, but you didn't go out there and scene it without knowing and risk embarrassing yourself and your Dominant partner.

People researched and learned the sound a flogger makes, or the amount of water to be added to an enema bag before including it in a scene. It was important and they didn't want to risk making a fool of themselves by showing their lack of knowledge. We had RT BDSM people, enough that they would offer to do scenes in order to teach groups of O/others that hadn't had the RT experience and maybe couldn't include BDSM in their RT lives and try these things out.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
People who were not interested and didn't RESPECT the demeanor of the BDSM room and its residents, soon moved on. It wasn't for them; they realized it and they left. Just as most BDSM people would never consider going into a Gor room and dis-respecting their home. So the rooms back then were occupied, for the most part, by the ones that were interested in BDSM, sometimes both VT and RT, sometimes solely in VT, but they liked it and wanted to be a part of it. More important, they RESPECTED it, the similarities as well as the differences. They promoted RESPECT by their behavior. They honored this realm and contributed to it. They were the O/ones that knew that the physical aspect of BDSM was only a small part of it. They knew or learned quickly that the emotional and mental aspects were where BDSM really began and grew from. People blossomed into whole individuals that knew their kinks and/or knew what they craved from BDSM. They thirsted for more and more knowledge, not more and more conquests.

It almost seems that lately, it isn't about BDSM as much as it is about how many collars you have held, or worn. Some people may not realize the reason for having seperate chatrooms from the general adult sex chat room.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Collars mean something; collars are not trophies, they are a symbol

of time invested,

trust,

connections between like minds,

compassion for one as well as ones self,

deep exploration of the eroticism that can be open to ones that open to each other

and honor

and love for the one who you put your life in their hands,

for the one you choose to cherish above all else

and for the faith they put in you

and the devotion they show you.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
It takes a strong, intelligent person to be a submissive, one that knows what they want, one that is open to trying new things but strong enough to say no when they know they are at their limit.

It also takes a strong person to be a Dominant, one that is intelligent and has a thirst to learn, not only about techniques, but more about themselves and about the ones they are interested in.

Again, Dominants and submissives, should be mentally and emotionally stable individuals that have a real sense of who they are and what they want.

In a life where blades and ropes, gags and fire, cuffs and restraints and mind fucks of all manner can a be a part of your life on a regular basis,

would you want to be with someone you didn't know well, someone you couldn't trust?

And those are just some of the tools of BDSM. When you take into consideration the intense emotional bonds, the trust and respect become paramount to any union.

When I refer to someone, I mean either the Dominant or the submissive. Just as you don't want to be the submissive at the hands of some control freak, calling themselves a Dominant, Dominants, you don't want some submissive turning around accusing You of abuse when all You did, was do to him/her what they quite literally asked for.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
In RT as well as VT, regretfully, there are those that don’t have the most shining of moral standards and they will lie about who they are, they will cheat and yes, it is called cheating here too; when one person in a relationship is dishonest with their partner/s. Try to be very cautious when getting to know someone whether it is simply to play once or perhaps for a more lasting relationship. Asking questions is the smart thing to do. Anyone who doesn’t ask is actually asking, for trouble. And those that don’t answer, may have something to hide and it could be the facts about their own relationships.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
As it is said regarding STD's or STI's, as they are now referred to, that you are not only having sex with that one person you are having sex with, you are also having sex with all their partners and potentially risking your own health and the health of all they will have sex with.

Well I think the same can be said for relationships. What that means is that when you enter into an encounter with one person, their relationships as well as yours should be taken into consideration. Your actions may well effect not only how much fun you two have today, but it could very well, and usually does, effect all the people in your lives. It affects their loved ones, and yours too. The time taken with one person, to do one thing, effects the time they would or you would otherwise be with your VT/RT partner, family or friends.

What you do and who you play with is also a reflection of your own self respect and the respect you have for this person you are getting involved with. Couples playing openly and honestly online are honest with their VT partners as well as their RT partners.

If one is not honest with their RT partner, why would you think they are being honest with you?

So whether it is a VT relationship or a combination arrangement, if the honesty and trust doesn’t exist in one, it is very unlikely it exists period.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
On to the nitty gritty, some definitions/meanings as they relate to BDSM rt and vt, (which is what The Edge includes, a variety of people, both with and without RT experience, in a vt venue. These are common-knowledge definitions as they relate to the topic, “Respect of the collar by Dom/mes and submissives and others that frequent BDSM chat rooms”.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
BDSM Collar: The BDSM collar in many cases is to the D/s relationship what the wedding ring is to conventional marriages. It is a physical symbol of the relationship.

The collar represents many things to many people but commonly it represents a joining, trust, respect, loyalty, devotion, pride, friendship, consideration, acceptance, control, responsibility and belonging and very often even love. It means control and commitment. It is a promise to obey for the submissive, and a promise to protect and cherish for the dominant.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Joining: to bring together in a particular relation or for a specific purpose, action, etc.

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Respect: esteem for or a sense of worth or excellence of a person; deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment; to show respect for the collar.

Loyalty: the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

Devotion: profound dedication; consideration; earnest attachment to a cause or person.

Pride: in someone or something cherished, valued, or enjoyed above all others.

Friendship: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter; a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

Consideration: the act of considering; careful thought; meditation; deliberation; something that is or is to be kept in mind in making a decision, evaluating facts, etc.; thoughtful or sympathetic regard or respect; thoughtfulness for others.

Acceptance: the act of taking or receiving something offered.

Control: to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

Responsibility: the state or fact of being responsible.

Belonging: something that belongs.

Love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
A collar is a huge responsibility for both parties.

The Dom/me is responsible for the care and well-being of their submissive, be it for the long term or simply for the length of the scenes they engage in. The submissive wearing One’s collar has a responsibility to behave in such a way that they reflect well on the Dom/me and are dedicated to the One, again, be that for the long term or as short as the length of scene.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Please note that this is a BDSM room and most references will be to Dominants and submissives, not Owners and slaves, as slaves willingly gave up the right of choice and expectations. The submissive on the other hand generally has on-going negotiations and limits which afford them choice.

Between the Dom/me and submissive there is negotiation as to what and how much control and devotion is given, unlike the Owner and slave’s union which most often signifies the slave has given over full control of their life to their Owner and the Owner has taken on complete responsibility for their slave.

Again, every relationship is individual and therefore can be different from the C/couple sitting beside you to the C/couple across the room.

Whether you are talking VT or RT, the collar represents a union of some kind and therefore signifies respect is to be given to that union by those in the relationship as well as by those around them.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
In the case of this room, The Edge, it is a BDSM themed room and though many folks come and go, some visiting to learn, some just visiting F/friends, there is an expectation that “ when in Rome” as they say, visitors will respect the room, the BDSM theme of The Edge, and the people who chat here. This means all that goes on in the room, like scenes, conversations about BDSM, and the collars that are given and worn here should be respected.

Even within the room and the residents here, there can be different meanings for the collars we see. For the committed D/s couple it can represent their devotion to one another and for the not so serious couple it could be a simple prop in their role here. Either way, the collar signifies a bond between people that deserves respect from each of them as well as the respect of those that they encounter here and in most BDSM rooms.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
So the collar represents a relationship and each relationship is different as each individual within the relationship is different. Everyone has different needs and expectations and these should be negotiated well prior to asking to place a collar or accepting a collar.

Some sample relationships: open, poly, closed, part – open, part – poly, usually closed.

What all that means is, well first,

an open relationship, little structure, either partner can play with who ever they want, whenever they want.

Polygamous, having more than one mate at a time, generally these relationships are more defined than the free-style open relationship, with all parties knowing if not playing with all the partners involved. One significant part of the polygamous relationship is trust and honesty. All parties know all about each others partners.

The closed relationship, perhaps called monogamous, is where neither partner plays with other people. The usually closed or monogamous relationship may occasionally invite a playmate into their relationship with both or one or the other parties.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
Obviously there is just no way of knowing who’s relationship is what just by looking at a couple of names. In the case of VT, unless their MO spells out their relationship guidelines, you can’t know unless you ask both people in the relationship.

The Dom/me by virtue of capped letters does not always have an agreement with their submissive that They can play with whoever, whenever they want.

The submissive, just because they wear One’s collar, it does not always mean they are not free to play, sometimes with whoever they want, whenever they want.

You have to ask in order to know.

If you do not ask the parties involved you are disrespecting, not only the parties that are a couple, and the collar, and what it represents, but you are disrespecting yourself by not verifying the dynamics of a relationship before assuming She can play and he can’t or vice versa.

Once you have played with one that you thought it was okay to play with but later find out it wasn’t, you are now nothing more than the *other person* in a relationship that wasn’t meant to include others or worse yet, you have put yourself in the position of causing a rift in that relationship. Now Y/you have put a huge *figurative* red X on Y/your forehead.

Y/you can’t be trusted,

Y/you have no morals,

Y/you have no self-respect.

Y/you really fucked up.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
As open-minded and accepting as BDSM can be, with all the exciting and kinky, all the perving and bizarre activities, it is NOT an *anything goes* realm. In fact there is a very firm set of lines that Y/you just don’t cross without risking loss of respect at the very least. In a world where trust is a vital ingredient it is wise to keep that in mind.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
There are 1000's of chatrooms, realms of different themes, different worlds online. Though there are not likely to be many BDSM rooms like those in my past but BDSM rooms, most do attempt to promote the basics in manners and conduct, such as The Edge and many others.

Again, this is a BDSM room, with BDSM customs and just as Gor rooms have their rules, BDSM does too. Y/you should take the time to learn and decide if BDSM is for Y/you or not. If Y/you decide it is not for Y/you and Y/you don't respect this BDSM world, then Yyou should find another room to chat in. If on the other hand Y/you do adore the BDSM world or at least want to learn all Yyou can, please come, please chat, please ask.

Respect and Y/you will be welcomed, insult and Y/you will be asked to leave.

Wraith's ~tyme~says to everyone:
W/we will take a short break and then discussion portion will begin on the hour. i do hope Y/you will all stay if Y/you can and participate and by all means...ask.

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